butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
