i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
