her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The feeling are messing with the penis
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
