Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
