you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize