glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
