Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize