foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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