You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
