I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
