i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
