You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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