Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
