I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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