How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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