I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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