Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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