i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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