I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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