she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
