I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize