Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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