I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
