I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
