The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
