somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
