i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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