That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
