just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
