I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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