i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
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