How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
