i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
