i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
