you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
it's like heaven, but drunker
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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