i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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