He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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