I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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