seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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