I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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