My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
