you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
