I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
A bitchslap is in order.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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