they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
