Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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