mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
