Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize