I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
