so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
