It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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