you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
