I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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