it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize