you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
operation harelip BJ is a go
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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