im having a threesome with these popsicles
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
