I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
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