On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
