38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
