is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
