Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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