That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
