i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
