I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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