separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
