OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
