Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
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