Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
this will be a night to untag.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
