I hate all girls vehemently.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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