I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
