They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
