Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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