He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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