Who wears a wallet chain?!
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
