don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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