I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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