So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
two words...techno handjob
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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